HANS

Full Name: Human Acquisitory Notification System

"HANS" got his name from the character in Die Hard, but he couldn't possibly understand what that means. The Dude doesn't talk to the program using lines from that movie. He uses those lines on the person assigned to that program. The program takes food orders from the programmers and makes sure they're delivered, no matter what an asshole he has to be to get that done, a process which for some reason, goes by way of a laptop in an office downtown.

I don't know how many text messages I got from this program and how many were from the person sitting at the laptop, but I know the constant texts kept me on a short leash for a long time.