September | In view of the city

Alli was meeting some guy in Marin about putting her stuff in a gallery. There was a time she never would have let her work get stuck indoors, trapped in a frame forever. Things change, and people are more unpredictable than art. I was proud of her success, and I took a little credit for it from the years I encouraged her.

She asked me to come along. She was still reading the notebook I gave her and wanted to talk to me about it when she was finished.

Riding the ferry up to Sausalito, I looked back and watched my world shrink, all those skyscrapers too big to see their tops as I drove past them, each one a stack of office after office, each office full of people like Harry or Roger, or like I used to be. At a distance, they all made one skyline.

From the inside, the city seemed to go on forever, but from the boat, it shrunk down to a single unit, the seven by seven mile spit of land surrounded by water, the city populated by nerds and dudes and managers, home to so much frustration and loneliness, where I was born and played and starved and drove, where I finally found a soup kitchen and learned to take care of myself.

The Bay Bridge and the Golden Gate connect it to other chunks of land almost like it, with more people and problems, different dudes and managers.

We passed Alcatraz, the island prison, and the city disappeared for a few minutes. I breathed the salty air blowing in from the ocean. I had no job and no phone, and my mind went blank. My thoughts were in someone else's hands, and I waited to see what that part of my life meant to her.

Alli came out of the indoor part of the ferry, wearing a yellow dress that shows off her legs. She handed me the notebook, and I stuffed it into my waistband under the heavy coat I borrowed from her house.

"Those are some really detailed notes." She shouted over the sound of the bay.

"Thanks." I shouted too. My voice was getting stronger again.

"I see you're fucking this Acid Burn person."

I licked my lips. "Jealous?"

She smirked at me. "Shut up, whore. That wasn't the only way to get that information."

I shrugged. "Seemed like a fun one at the time."

She leaned against me to block the wind and moved her head near mine to talk lower. "Look, you kept thinking the Dude or the system was out to get you, but it turns out, you were wrong. They were busy doing their own stuff, and you were just doing a job. Actually, they kinda helped you out."

"Because I can't drink anymore?"

"Because they gave you a place to stay and something to do other than feel sorry for yourself."

I winced from the bitter memories. "I guess so."

"Harry's the one with plans for you, but you know not to trust him. From what he told you in the hospital, he's running things fine without you, so I have an idea of what you could do. It's the same advice you used to give me. Remember what you said about people who don't like my art?"

I looked into the blue eyes filled with defiance, and I remembered. "Fuck 'em." I smiled.

"Yeah, fuck 'em. Walk away. Just because Harry sold out doesn't mean you have to."

The idea seemed nuts. "I can't. He's bringing the system to market." I wanted to step back, but her eyes kept me locked in place.

"Maybe. Maybe you could stop whatever it is, but he also said the whole project had to be restructured and they were already running out of money. Maybe things will take care of themselves."

"What about all those people trapped there working for him?"

She laughed. "Did you read the same notebook as me? Those people told you they wanna be there. They have jobs. They have places to live. Sure, dealing with Harry's gonna suck for them, but you guys put up with him when he managed the band."

I took a deep breath of ocean air. "I just spent so much time there. I never thought the answer would be so simple."

"Jeez, you really have changed."

"Yeah." The Dude wore a hood and pretended to be evil to get people to work harder, but he was really just some dude. Harry's running things, but he can't know what he's doing if he wants to hire me again. I looked at Alli. "Fuck 'em."

She smiled and laughed. "I can make copies of your notebook if you want. I know people, and I can get the information out there for you, blow the lid off that place, so everyone will know what a jerk he is."

"Thanks."

She leaned against me and put an arm around my waist. My heart rate sped up again. I moved my face closer to hers. "Whoa, tiger." The look in her eyes was a mix of compassion and worry. "I don't think we should..."

I pulled away. She didn't let go, so I gripped the railing to keep us both steady and looked back at the shrinking city. "Yeah, Harry's still out there, looking for me."

"It's not that. We were terrible together. We fought all the time, and you would skip town for months without telling me when you'd be back. I'm in a better place without you, and I have a good thing going with my new boyfriend."

My chest tightened again. I looked her in the eyes, and I knew she was right. I saw the difference in her. She still had the fight in her I knew and loved, but there was calm and confidence she never had when we were together. "Right." I nodded and looked at the water. She was better off without me.